The Reylo Ship Has Sunk

Dear Glod!
Somebody actually made this

I admit it. I had blinders on. I was looking for SJW upset and outrage over Rose Tico being slighted in the new movie. And there was indeed a bit of that.

But what I hadn’t looked for was the psychotic fury of the Reylo shippers at the death of their dark prince.

Now for most of us, his thoroughly predictable demise was a necessity dictated by the narrative.

In the first film we saw him order a village slaughtered, torture Po. Murder his uncle’s students, (presumably his friends or at least his classmates), execute his father by his own hand and participate in the literal (if silly) destruction of five inhabited planets.

While a good Christian will maintain that anyone can be redeemed, said Christian will also grant that being redeemed doesn’t get you out of being punished for your crimes. And Kylo had some pretty impressive crimes.

And while I won’t say that The Rise of Skywalker was a good film, it at least didn’t hand out any weird surprises in the name of subverting our expectations. Kylo atoned but he had to pay to the price for his many crimes with his life. I was more or less expecting this.

For those that didn’t see it. Rey (like any genuine Mary-Sue) dies tragically and heroically while defeating the Emperor. Kylo brings her back to life with Force magic. They kiss. He dies.

Honestly, I thought the kiss was a little out of the blue myself. But I drastically missed the mark on how the Reylos would take it.

For Reylos letting them, kiss and then killing Kylo was like Lucy pulling the football away while Charlie Brown is trying to kick it. And then tearing out his heart and eating it before his terrified and dying eyes.

They got the barest taste of what they wanted and then was shockingly torn away from them.

Many of them vaulted out the theaters at that moment. The tweet storms have been almost as bad as when Trump was elected.

“I’ve finally gotten five hour sleep. The most I’ve has since I saw…IT”

“I cried all night and had to call in sick to work the next day.”

“F#&k J.J. Abrams! I’m going to f@$king k!ll him!”

Lots and lots of death threats by the way.

While everyone in the Phandom Menace made fun of Roundhead Rian for his blithering incompetence. You know damn good and well that they would have been trumpeting it from the roof tops if any of us had ever threatened his life.

After all, this is just a movie about space wizards made for kids, isn’t it?

UPDATE: Doomcock was on this one too.

10 thoughts on “The Reylo Ship Has Sunk

  1. He is their perfect man. He had Daddy issues too and solved them….with a lightsaber through the guts.

    They get more insane every time.

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  2. I look forward to the time, about 2-3 years from now when I can fast forward to the silly scenes described in these reviews in the library DVD. Still on the waitlist for TLJ.

    By the way normie-ville still likes Star Wars. Overheard: “Wanna go see a movie, maybe Star Wars?” Answer: ” Sure.”

    But their Christmas Day movie choice (formerly our tradition, too) was Jumanji.

    Ouch.

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  3. Adam Driver must be a heck of an actor, because all I see when I look at pictures and clips of him is a fairly ugly dude with a weak chin that makes him look like he’s always a second away from blubbering. I get that chicks are attracted to the killing and torturing, but usually they want their bad boys to be reasonably good-looking too.

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      1. but that’s not the only thing he’s been in.

        since TFA, Driver has starred in 3 Sequel Trilogy movies, +10 more films and +various theater productions since 2015.

        Hollywood must really want to make being Lena Dunham’s tv boyfriend a well compensated job.

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      2. He’s actually a pretty good actor. Not a surprise, Julliard provides it’s students with more than just pretension.

        The important thing is getting your name out there. Once you’re known in Hollywood, you’re KNOWN.

        People start wondering if you’re a good fit for part because you’re an established commodity.

        And the guy has always been a worker. Between 2009 and 2015 he had better than twenty credits at IMDB.

        I suspect he had been given “the talk” by someone at Julliard. “Given your looks, you will never be a leading man. It won’t happen for you…EVER. Just accept it now. Look Adam, you’ve got talent but you are going to be character actor for your entire career. That’s just how it is.”

        So Driver, accepted reality and started earning a reputation as reliable side player with a good work ethic.

        Then a miracle happened and he landed a breakout role.

        I wasn’t kidding when I said he won the lottery.

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  4. Or, Adam Driver has let people do things to him that would gag a seagull in order to get cast. I just assume that’s how everyone in Hollywood gets ahead. Yes, even Meryl Streep and Tom Hanks.

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