Rian Johnson’s Newest Heap of Shit

Rian “Roundhead” Johnson. The man who single handedly destroyed the biggest movie franchise on the planet for the last fourty years, has delivered a new film to his army of groveling fellators wearing out their kneepads at Rotten Tomatoes.

No need to remind you all, if it’s pulling 100% fresh at RT, you know it’s rotten to it’s core.

The recurring refrain is telling isn’t it. Go round up as many Woke friends as you can to go see this cause if we are being honest here, the “zingers” here are just a bunch of golf clap jokes directed against the same people who thought The Last Jedi smelled worse than a week old mountain of hog guts in July. It’s not going to make any money without a lot of help from everyone, so do your part.

Besides you’ll have a good time. We’re critics! We know what’s funny. We’re the same guys that gave Dave Chappelle a 0% fresh.

Indeed and truly, I couldn’t care less what SJWs do to themselves to prove how Woke they are. Knives Out runs for one hundred thirty minutes and if it’s anything at all like last Jedi. They are really, REALLY going to feel them.

However if it’s anywhere near as Anti-MAGA as the critics are saying it is then it’s probably a shoe-in for best picture at the Oscars, with Johnson himself taking Best Director.

Mind you, if Knives Out does good business and Johnson does win those awards, and (most important of all) if Star Wars IX does well enough to preserve Kathleen Kennedy’s job.* Johnson may indeed be allowed to start work on that new Star Wars trilogy he threatened us with.

The first one won’t make any money but I guarantee it will pull 100% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes.

*Yeah, I’m not worried about Star Wars IX making a dime at the box-office either. Indeed and truly, even the greatest story teller in the world couldn’t salvage this third trilogy. There is no narrative structure at this point. Rey does not have a story to tell thanks to Johnson. And J.J. Abrams isn’t good at stories all. He just tells half a story and starts tapping dancing around his Mystery Boxes. More on Abrams later.

6 thoughts on “Rian Johnson’s Newest Heap of Shit

  1. The best thing I saw about J.J. Abrams was a commenter on FilmGoblin who compared him to Lyle Lanley. He’ll give you what you think you want and then eff off to another franchise before the structural flaws become apparent.

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    1. That fits with my calling him a tribute band director. He’s always trying to imitate someone. The problem is he can’t tell a story, has no sense of time and space, and drops his mystery boxes like cows in a field do their business.

      I thought he was a good choice to do the Star Wars sequels as long as someone else did the script. It’s obvious that Disney had no plan at all for the sequels and let JJ do his thing.

      BTW, I’m not buying that Rian threw out JJ’s script. Too many things have his fingerprints on that film. Oh, Rian did make some big changes. However, the general story has JJ written all over it. It’s Empire rewritten and reordered.

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  2. the sad thing is, that JJ would have been enough to print money with the sequel trilogy had Rian not fscked everything.

    after the Lucas disaster of the prequels and +30 years since the last decent Star Wars movie, fan were waiting to throw money at new films with a front end loader. and ep 7 looked like it was going to tickle all of their “i remember that” buttons.

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  3. @Robert Mando

    I hate myself for saying this; but I find the prequels bad entertaining, and as bad as they are they feel more star-wars than TLJ or even TFA.

    Back in the day I enjoyed the prequels on release, and while I consider that Lucas was misguided in his vision he tried to build something.

    Both JJ-Penisnose and Ryan-Beachball didn’t, JJ only plagiarised and RJ is just in love with himself to be able to throw feces to his audience.

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  4. hey, i was one of the Negative Nancys who pointed out that everything good in TFA was stolen from EP 4 and 5, thus, if you like TFA you should just watch the original Trilogy and ignore the new movie. i’m not saying that TFA was ‘good’ by any stretch.

    it was, however, enough to print money from the vast majority of Geekdom.

    also, it has occurred to me that Rian was trolling JJ.

    JJ is infamous for his Mystery Boxes BECAUSE he never effectually resolves them. it’s his blue balling of the audience that pisses everyone off.

    Snoke was JJs Mystery Box for the new trilogy.

    Rian one upped JJs inability to resolve mysteries by … killing Snoke without even attempting to resolve any of the questions that Snoke’s existence raises. he out JJ-ed JJ.

    same thing with Ma-Rey Sue. JJ implies her parents are Mysterious, setting up the whole Orphaned Royalty trope. Rian say, “Nawp, just drug addicts.” once again, JJ gets JJ-ed to the nth degree.

    i might be able to draw even more “out-JJ-ed” lines, but i’m not re-watching any of these movies.

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