I Thought This Was a Joke

I really thought it was something 4chan came up with. But it’s real.

Marvel Comics utterly beclowns itself again.

These are the new New Warriors. I can’t believe this is Marvel’s swan song.

Quick trip in the wayback machine. In the Nineties there was comic book title called Gen 13. It was pretty popular with late Gen Xers . Marvel decided to copy it for the quite sensible reason that Gen 13 was rather successful. The title and team was called the New Warriors. Fine, that made sense.

Generation X stopped being teens and Gen 13 died more or less taking the New Warriors with them. Only Night Thrasher survived, (I think).

But now… I swear to god this is his real name… Daniel Kibblesmith, has been hired to resurrect the title.

He is going to be writing a comic for today’s teens. Great idea! I wonder where Marvel got him from? After all this is the company that hired such greats in the comic book field as Ta-Nehisi Coates, Sana Amanat and Gabby Rivera.

Now his name didn’t ring any bells for me but a quick check of Amazon revealed him to be the author of this children’s classic:

He used to write for Colbert and of course Buzzfeed. So he’s an SJW who never worked in comic books a day in his life. Perfect choice for Marvel Comics. He is also supposed to be a comedian so this could all just be a horrible joke but somehow I don’t thing it is.

This is some of his “comedy”

But enough about the creator, lets look at his creation.

These are the twins Snowflake and Safespace. Snowflake is a reference to the schoolhouse meme of everyone being individually beautiful…so he made her a twin.

” Snowflake, a cryokinetic, can materialize snowflake-shaped shuriken projectiles for throwing. Safespace can materialize pink forcefields, but he can’t inhabit them himself, the reflex only works if he’s protecting others. They’re hyper aware of modern culture and optics, and they see their Super Heroics as “a post-ironic meditation on using violence to combat bullying.”

A super power that generates a weapon that only works in movies. And force-field projector who can never save his own life.

I think Kibblesmith is trying to own right-wing memes and play them back on us but “epic fail” doesn’t even come close to covering this disastrous abortion. The primary market for New Warriors has always been teens but no Zoomer is going to go anywhere near this. The Zoomers under my roof have assured me that they would “lick the runny nose of somebody who was Corona positive,” before paying money to read this.

This is Trailblazer and she is an obese Native American with a massive thigh gap and Dora’s magic backpack. I don’t know if that fanny pack, (worn on the front to make her look extra fat), is magical too. Unlike Dora she doesn’t always know what comes out her backpack. Which means that Kibblesmith is also plagiarizing Miraculous Ladybug.

This is Screentime whose super power is, “let me google it for you.” No, seriously that’s it. He is permanently jacked into the internet because he got a whiff of his grandfather’s “experimental internet gas”.

Again, this is real. An adult who went to college wrote this. There is someone born after 1980 who thinks access to the internet is mysterious and powerful.

Last and least is the fucking goth kid who actually became “living vampire,” which defeats the whole point of becoming a vampire if you are goth kid.

As of this writing the YouTube comments are still turned on.

Some of the suggestions for future New Warriors are Soy Wonder, Strong Independent Whamen, NPC, White Knight, Land Whale, My Wife’s Boyfriend. And many, many more. Check them out now before Marvel finds out it has three times as many dislikes as likes.

When all is said and done only a middle-class, middle-aged white man could have come up with this.