Rise of Skywalker Predications: Open Thread

Look away, Baby Yoda!
You shouldn’t be scarred by this.

It’s bizarre that I’m looking forward to seeing this, even knowing it’s going to abject piece of shit. There’s a whole, “we’re getting the band back together,” vibe among TLJ haters.

I’ll give credit where it’s due, thanks to The Last Jedi, how we discuss movies has changed in America. It was the final nail in the reputation of film critics.

Anyway put your predictions for ROS the POS in the comments below.

I’ll start.

L3-37’s voice comes out the Falcon’s computer speaking lovingly to Lando right before the ship explodes. Lando will reply, “oh, it works.”

25 thoughts on “Rise of Skywalker Predications: Open Thread

  1. No pre-sequel character is alive by the end of the movie.

    Leia and Admiral Gender Studies were in a relationship.

    Really, the rumors about this film are so bad that they are beyond satire.

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  2. It will be awful, beyond parody.

    If it bombs at the boxoffice Disney may decide that they need to give Filoni the helm on whatever movies they end up making to try to salvage this disaster.

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  3. oh, forgot to make a prediction.

    it sounds like the projections keep edging down. it also sounds like they’re desperately trying to come up with excuses, a la ‘Charlie’s Angels’ and ‘Terminator: Dark Fate’. some of the talent is actually shitting on TLJ while they’re out promoting ROS. we already know it will be out of Chinese theaters in less than a month so the yuan rake isn’t going to save it. what can be verified of the plot from the Swedish ratings board report sounds like most of the retarded shit is still in it. although i guess the Falcon and Lando live. got to keep that robosexual shipping canon.

    Palpatine isn’t going to mean anything to Nufans, there’s been nothing to build him up in the current trilogy. hell, the first allusion to him was his laugh in the first ROS trailer. Oldfans are just going to be pissed off by Jew Jew making Palps the end boss, especially with the clowncar way ( space horseys! ) it looks like they’re doing it.

    i’ma go with ~500 million world wide and losing money hand over fist.

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  4. Sorry Bob but all those TLJ haters are going to go see it. That bunch of battered house wives can’t stop giving the mouse money. It will just barely miss the billion mark. The Fandom menace alone will be responsible for 100 million dollars in hate watching.

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    1. that’s the point of screen jumping.

      if everybody is hatewatching the movie and refusing to buy tickets, i don’t think Disney is going to buy a billion dollars worth of fake tickets. that’s why i’m making a point of suggesting the screenjumping.

      jumping isn’t just for Stormtroopers anymore.

      hilariously, RLM is now openly using “Fake News” with regards to Disney bullshit marketing buildup.

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      1. Brutal RLM!

        I hope they recognise they have to tear down to shreds Disney starwars once and for all.

        It is their destiny.

        Note: I would be willing to pay for that.

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      2. They will hate watch and buy tickets. 1 in 10 might jump lines like you. But Buying tickets to another movie and jumping lines will still let Disney claim the moral victory of full theaters. Unlike what happened with Captain Marvel.

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      3. i’m only going to hate watch ONCE, and i’m going by myself.

        if they’re going to have “full theaters” and reach a BEELION in sales, there are going to have to be a bunch of people re-watching, over and over again.

        they can’t even get Target to allocate 4′ of shelf space to Star Wars toys. where is the interest or the anticipation?

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  5. “Palpetine” engenders a word-association: Palpate means hand-on feeling. Done by other than a physician, it is on the boundary of groping. So, is Palpatine a groper?

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  6. Mr. Plinkett said it about Return of the Sith: “I think we all went to see this movie just to get it over with. It was like an obligation, like going to your stupid daughter’s college graduation. You know it’s gonna suck, but you gotta go just to get it over with. No, f— that metaphor. This was like going to an autopsy. You know it’s dead, and nothing’s gonna change that. But you gotta do an autopsy to find out what killed it–or who killed it.”

    The more things change…. One interesting thing will be how the “who killed it” question ends up. If RoS ends up bad, will the blame be spread around to Kennedy and Abrams, or will it all be hung on Rian Johnson for breaking it beyond repair with TLJ?

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    1. I blame Abrams because the rot started with TFA. My sense is that it was HIS idea to ditch Lucas’s treatments and do more stuff with the original characters, and I’d wager he was the one who lobbied KK to throw out Michael Arndt’s script so that he could make his dumbass Star Wars fan fiction.

      I saw the OT all together when I was a kid in the 80s, but I came out of the theater for episodes I and II excited for what would come next, wondering things like “how will Anakin become Vader?” “how will the Republic become the Empire?” “how will the Jedi get taken out?” and “how will Palpatine become the Emperor?”

      With TFA, other than the obvious “who are Rey and Snoke?” all I had were angry and backward-looking questions about the setting and plot.

      “Why is the Empire back, and how come they’re so powerful? Why would they build a superweapon with an obvious weakness? Even Palpatine learned that lesson with the second Death Star! Who’s this Snoke asshole and why haven’t we ever heard of him before?”

      “Why does the Falcon just happen to be on this planet? How can they escape without the Star Destroyer in orbit catching them? How could Han lose the Falcon and then somehow detect it from lightyears away?”

      “How come Rey can pull a Jedi power that it took Luke three movies to learn how to do completely out of her ass? How did Maz Kanata both find and retrieve Luke’s lightsaber from the core of a gas giant? (It was dumb in the third book of the Thrawn trilogy and it’s even dumber here). Why does the lightsaber call to people? It’s an inanimate object! It’s well established that the force is created by LIVING things! How come Rey can fight and defeat a trained Sith in lightsaber combat when she’s never even touched one before?”

      “Why is the back half of this movie a shot-for-shot remake of A New Hope with diversity hires instead of something original? They had two and a half decades of EU material to crib from, and this was the best they could do?”

      Rogue One made me forget about all of this for a little while, but then The Last Jedi came along and poured gasoline on the smoldering dumpster fire. Roundhead Rian didn’t start the fire, but he also didn’t have to do the equivalent of throwing a stack of Bibles on top of it after wiping his ass with all of them either.

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      1. i think the rot started with Disney making a corporate decision to kill off or ignore all of the old characters so they wouldn’t have to pay royalties to Lucas.

        most of the problems follow from that. after all, if you’re not going have Luke be alive for the last movie, he can hardly be the focus of the last movie.

        the remaining stupidity comes from kkkkkkrrrraaazzzy Kathleen being Woke.

        TFA had significant problems ( like, “Why not just watch the original trilogy?” ), but it was better than any of the prequel movies.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I agree with you that TFA is the beginning of the problem. After the nostalgia rush wore off, most people realized there simply wasn’t much to the film. It rehashed A New Hope and left tons of questions unanswered. It was the perfect Jar Jar Abrams film. The man only picks up certain pieces of nostalgia and turns them up to 11. He’s the tribute band of film.

        It’s interesting that TFA and his Star Trek films have the same issues. They open strongly, but have a host of issues. Then the follow-on film blows up the franchise.

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  7. I’m not seeing it unless I can find a way to do so without giving the Devil Mouse any money. However, here are my predictions:

    It’ll come in at around $500-$600 million in domestic BO and maybe $300-$400 million in FBO, for a total cume just under $1 billion. As much as I’d love for it to crash and burn with a total take of $400 million like Solo, I feel like the soyboys, cucks, NPCs and SJWs will “storm out of their hives” (to quote our host) because they’ll view it as “sticking it to the haters,” which is the most important thing to them. I would be delighted to be wrong here.

    There will be at least three amazing coincidences which move the plot forward but make absolutely zero sense (think marooning Kirk on Future Spock’s planet).

    No explanation will be given for the Emperor’s resurrection.

    C-3PO will be deus ex machina’d back to life after his memory wipe.

    Plot points will be invented to justify Ma-Rey Sue, and she’ll stomp the Emperor without even trying, thus achieving something that that four members of the Jedi Council, Yoda, Starkiller (he exists in my headcanon) and Maul all failed at and cementing her status as the most offensive Mary Sue of all time.

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  8. Cataline,

    I will see this movie at the $4 dollar discount theatre so that the bulk of my money goes to the theatre and not Devil Mouse.

    Predictions- I think the space battles will be really poorly planned out and conceived. I think they will be devoid of strategy and tactics that make sense but will be very pretty pictures. I doubt they will be as boring as the Last Jedi’s slowest space chase in history though.

    I think Rey will be confirmed as being Luke Skywalker’s daughter through adoption or an unmentioned fling that was not mentioned in the previous two movies. Her patents will be someone of importance to at least try to justify her Mary Sue abilities.

    Those are my predictions,

    Corey

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    1. @Bob – I never bought the “Disney owes Lucas royalties” theory. If that was the case, what exactly did Disney buy? A $4 billion license? Also, if it IS true, why would Disney even use the original characters if doing so would be taking money out of their pocket? Wouldn’t it make more sense to do something way in the future or past? The point I usually see cited in defense of it (“it’s why the Falcon looks different!”) is stupid, because a) the Falcon is not a character, it’s a set, and b) it’s because of plot reasons. Finally, when Abrams took over the script for VII, I remember him being quoted saying something like “I wanted to give the OT characters one last hurrah.” If the Lucas royalty deal was in place, I think Disney would have put the kibosh on that.

      I also disagree that TFA is better than any of the prequels. If you had asked me immediately after I saw it, I would have agreed with you. But even the worst things in the prequels (Jar Jar, the Anakin/Padme romance, or Vader’s “NOOOOO!”) is less aggravating to me as a fan than Ma-Rey Sue. Even the ****ing CHOSEN ONE didn’t really know how to use the Force until he got some Jedi training. Also, you can tell that the skeleton of a plot for the entire trilogy was in place for those three movies, unlike Disney and their bumble****ing around.

      I like all three but personally think Revenge of the Sith rules. Sure it’s got George’s trademark clunky dialogue, but there’s a lot less of it, and there’s some killer action and SFX. There’s also tons of OT fan service and plenty of the Emperor, who’s my favorite character. Also, if you really think about it, it’s kind of like Mirror Universe Return of the Jedi. That one’s my favorite, so I love Sith for the same reasons.

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  9. IF
    ROS is going to make a billion dollars
    THEN
    why is CNN blaming Star Wars underperformance on RUSSIAN TROLLS?

    https://www.cnn.com/2019/12/13/entertainment/star-wars-trolls-trnd/index.html
    While there are legitim/ate questions about how representative those voices are — and indeed, what role Russian trolls and political provocateurs played in dragging the comments into the sewer — the cacophony from social media has at times made it easier to simply tune out those voices rather than engage them.”

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    1. That article is hilarious in its to claim some sort of nefarious conspiracy against Star Wars. Plus it continues to spread the lie that Tran was forced off of social media by hate filled tirades. Oh, and ignores that Roundhead Rian consistently attacked fans for any criticism. It is a desperate attempt by a bubble person to understand what is happening. The main thing is people are jettisoning the movie review industry as unreliable and paid shills.

      My prediction for the film is $750 million. Opening weekend will have filled theaters, but after that it will drop like a rock. Overseas will be weak with it barely lasting two weeks in China.

      One thing I have noticed is that Disney has not pushed out TLJ or Solo for a cable run in the buildup for ROS. Usually, you put out the previous installment of a film before the release of the next one.

      Like

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