Chick-fil-a Replaces Cow Mascot with Golden Calf

From America’s paper of record of course.

“Take off the body piercings that your LGBTQ+ same-sex partners are wearing, and bring them to me,” said Dan Cathy in a solemn ceremony while creating the restaurant’s first-ever golden calf this morning. So all the people did so and brought them to Cathy. He took what they handed him and made it into an idol cast in the shape of a calf, fashioning it with a plastic fork. “This is your god, people of Chick-fil-A, who brings you great business and allows you to expand into other markets.”