Star Wars: The Abrams Unleashed

A cavalry charge across the deck of a Star Destroyer…IN SPAAAAACE!!!

You can’t satirize the works of JJ Abrams anymore. No matter what you come up with to make fun of him, he’s going to show you by going light years over the top and into ethereal realms unknown to any film maker that went before him.

It feels like his brainstorming sessions, involve gargantuan mountains of LSD.

C3PO: I wish to take one last look…at my friends, sir.

JJ, honey, there is this thing called establishing relationships between your characters. You don’t just have them hug and cry because that’s what the emotional beat is supposed to be, not without creating a bond. Nothing was stupider than Leia ignoring Chewbacca to hug some girl she had never seen in life. Until, we see this droid who has been treated like a can opener for forty years suddenly talking about “his friends.”

Then there is the backward lightsaber grip, that everyone is doing now. Swords are not icepicks you tool!

Riding horses across the deck of spaceship…in space. I’ve been trying to come up with something dumber for twenty minutes now and I’ve given up in despair.

Remember when we thought JJ Abrams might deliver something good? I mean it was years ago, before the Force Awakens, but I seem to remember there was time that we thought he might come up with something good.

But now it feels like we are playing Fortnite.

You know what I’m talking about, right? That moment in Fortnite where you know, you’ve been killed. You’ve taken fatal damage and the rest of your team is dead, so no one can revive you. But you are still crawling around on the ground waiting for the clock to run out.

That’s what is like waiting for The Rise of Skywalker to be released

13 thoughts on “Star Wars: The Abrams Unleashed

  1. The space horses on the Star Destroyer is insane. The whole scene is absurd. The ships are crammed in together. It looks like the paste function got stuck. The ship they are on is facing 90 degrees opposite of every other ship. They are about to get blasted by the engines of the other Star Destroyer. It reminds me of the fight on top of the drill from the first JJ Trek movie. He repeats the same scenes over and over again.

    It you look closely, you can see the black chick who was in the Millennium Falcon who is leading the charge to….oblivion.

    Some are claiming they are in the atmosphere of a planet. If so, it’s the upper atmosphere where there is little air and sub-zero temperatures.

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    1. There aren’t any adults in Hollywood/Disney any longer. On the movie making side, it is all people who have spent their entire lives in the business. Almost all are morally bankrupt with no life experience beyond the unreality of being on screen. Meanwhile, the money people don’t care as long as you make money. JJ may be a hack, but he has made a lot of money.

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  2. hey, i figured out why it should have been obvious that JarJar would resurrect Palpatine ….

    you remember how TFA didn’t completely suck, because JJ stole most of his plot points from the original trilogy? and you remember how most of his new characters map directly to characters from Ep4-6?

    so JJ introduced his Palpatine stand-in for Ep7, that’d be Snoke.

    and then Rian killed the Palpatine stand-in in Ep8. that creates a problem for the 3rd movie in the trilogy, who is supposed to be the Final Boss Fight?

    well hell, if we can’t plagiarize Palpatine with the Snoke stand-in, why don’t we just pretend that Palps survived BOTH his lightning powered death dive AND Death Star 2 getting blown to smithereens?

    that is JJs super power after all, dial the plagiarism up to 11.

    I’ve been trying to come up with something dumber for twenty minutes now and I’ve given up in despair.

    when they ride off the edge of the Star Destroyer and do a Wile E Coyote as gravity suddenly engages like it did with the bombers in Ep8.

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  3. I’ve been trying to come up with something dumber for twenty minutes now and I’ve given up in despair.

    Allow me to introduce our little friend Starship Troopers, the Movie.

    Or … Highlander…. Something. I’ve worked so hard to forget it ever existed.

    Or “Nightfall”

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    1. Starship Troopers may be dumb as hell, but it’s also fun as hell. I saw the movie and then read the book, and while the book is superior, the movie is a blast in the same way that an 80’s action movie is.

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      1. I read the book far before the movie and it has always been one of my favorites. I can never get beyond what they did to the book in the film.

        Thinking about it, Verhoven would have done better doing The Forever War. That book is more along the lines of his sensibilities. It has a war started for unjust reasons and driven by propaganda. We have soldiers brainwashed. Men and women are in mixed units. Sex is throughout the book. There are bloody battles.

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    2. Also, I’ll raise you the Holdo Maneuver from The Last Jedi since it completely broke Star Wars all by itself. Why bother building any kind of fixed installations or big starships when you can just attach a few hyperdrives to some asteroids and them jump to lightspeed for the win?

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  4. At this point, there is no way to handle this.

    If I was JJ, I would try to make some kind of experimental film art, that way I would have a good excuse for the disaster and have the opportunity to try to achieve something that could please someone.

    JJ, Roundface Johnson, Paul Feig, they are all one pony tricks completely incapable of working with already established material without utterly destroying it.

    Starwars at this point is a toy that the mean Kathleen Kennedy broke on purpose.

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  5. with some reflection … i can’t say that Mr. Simon is entirely wrong.

    especially given the way the die hard fanbois turned out. did you see that fag crying for the first Ep9 trailer?

    Siskel and Ebert did the playground taunting thing quite well, i thought.

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  6. Look, anyone who saw Jar Jar Abrams’ 2009 Star Trek had fair warning that the man shouldn’t be allow anywhere near space opera. There was hardly any need to see Jar Jar Trek 2 or 3, Farce Awakens, or Lame Jedi to know that they were going to be awful, and _certainly_ no reason to pay money to see them.

    Likewise, don’t pay to see Rise of Suewalker. Don’t feed Darth Mouse.

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