Star Wars IX: Does it Even Exist?

At the moment the answer would appear to be, no.

It launches in three months and they don’t even have a trailer let alone a final cut. The rumor mills are all saying extensive reshoots are underway. Normally, I’d be the first to say that’s normal but in the world of Disney Star Wars it can only mean disaster is in the wind.

Disney is justly terrified that their investment is turning into an abject catastrophe on every front. Solo, was the first Star Wars movie to lose money at the boxoffice. SW Galaxy’s Edge in Disneyland has exploded minutes after launch. As of this writing the walk on time for Smuggler’s Run is 60 minutes. Disney has to be sweating blood over that because it’s only been two weeks since the opening and Avatar Flight of Passage has a 105 minute walk on time, (FOP is now a two year old ride).

Even more nail biting has to be going on over the fate of their Star War’s hotel, the good ship Halcyon.

For those not in the know, this a hotel where you are basically locked in with your children for two days as you “experience” a galactic cruise. You are allowed one… O-N-E… port call at Galaxy’s Edge.

Two days is both the minimum and maximum time you will be staying aboard the Halcyon. I can’t speak for anyone else but I know I’d be looking for the escape pod after thirty minutes of “why didn’t we go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Dad?!”

Anyway after two days you would then have to pack back up and shift over to your real hotel for the rest of your stay. Presumably the Halcyon can be reskinned as a real hotel after this fails, although it will be the only hotel in Disney World without windows. In short there is no way in hell I’d stay there under any circumstances.*

Bob Iger has to be praying that Star Wars IX will be a so good, it will reverse the tide of rolling disasters sweeping over Lucasfilm.

When you bring George Lucas back on as creative consultant, you are in a world beyond desperate.

*I’m totally lying. If they turned it into a new Adventurer’s Club I’d stay there for a week. Although I wouldn’t bring the children along since I wouldn’t want them to see me like that. god I miss the Colonel.

14 thoughts on “Star Wars IX: Does it Even Exist?

  1. The Disney Wars movies are an unbelievable flaming wreck. It’s absolutely believable that JJ and Kennedy took a cookie cutter approach to assemble an audience tested movie. However, lots of reshoots reeks of doom. Rogue One had reshoots six months out and those were mainly to shoehorn Vader* into the plot. This is three months with what sounds like heavy CGI work. My guess it they’ve found an ending in testing that they hadn’t planned on and are trying to rework it into the film.

    Most reshoots that happen for good films are to add minor things audiences want to see or to explain unclear points to views. So, you get the love scene in Top Gun because the chicks wanted it. Or you reshoot a scene to add a couple of lines of dialog.

    *Rogue One has been the best Disney Wars film and that isn’t saying much. While giving fan boys tingly feelings, Vader in the movie felt completely tacked on. The entire film was an expensive fan film.

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  2. Lucas got a lot of s*** for the prequels, but I give him credit for at least telling a coherent story in all three movies (aside from Anakin and Padme’s love story, which sucked) and keeping the woke preaching out of it until Revenge of the Sith. However, it was rather inoffensive as it amounted to two whole lines in the entire 2.5-hour movie. If George had been less of a gamma and been able to handle being told “no,” that would have fixed a lot of issues with the prequels.

    I admit I enjoyed Rogue One, but every character in a leadership position in that film is a complete drooling idiot except for the Mon Calamari admiral, and actively sabotages what they’re actually trying to accomplish. “Let’s torture the willing defector, because crazy!” “Let’s whine to Vader about Tarkin stepping on my toes, because arguing with a guy who can kill you with his mind is a swell idea!” “Let’s bomb our own guys to kill the Death Star designer, because that will totally stop it from being built, just like killing Einstein after Hiroshima ended nukes!” “Let’s murder all of our highly-skilled scientists and engineers after the criminal confessed, that’ll teach him a lesson!” “We’ve handily crushed the rebel invasion, but let’s use the Death Star to blow up our clearly very important and expensive military installation full of priceless military data, because it’ll definitely kill the one guy we don’t like!” “Let’s try to get the plans back single-handedly, instead of boarding Stormtrooper corps at multiple points or keeping a bunch of Star Destroyers with tractor beams pointed at the ship to prevent exactly what happened!”

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    1. The biggest weakness of Rogue One was the whole, “I created a weakness so you can destroy it!” And that weakness he created? It was a port so small it took a force user to hit it. Weapon systems like ships always have some flaws. It is the nature of any complex system. Believing that a designer over looked an exhaust port on a moon size space station is inherently believable. It didn’t require the machinations Rogue One went through.

      Yeah, I hated the blow up the entire repository because, why again?

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  3. Why did Disney shut down the Adventurers Club? It sounds awesome.

    The Halcyon makes no sense. I used to work front desk at a hotel, and if you wanted to see a guest lose their mind? Tell them they had to switch rooms.

    And no windows means no natural light. Peoples sense of time gets real weird real fast without any natural light.

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      1. Although I may have been wrong about it being easy to reskin the Halcyon. There appears to be no parking anywhere near the hotel. Which means the “Launch Pod” that takes you to the “ship” is probably located in Hollywood Studios.

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      2. On the other hand, there is no announced opening date for the hotel yet. Which I suspect means that if Galaxy’s Edge Disney World augers in like Disneyland’s did, they may just yell fuck it and “temporarily halt construction.” Which is to say they will abandon it completely until they need to demolish it to build something else.

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  4. Unless a more dominant gamma or female without a death wish has been thrust upon Disney Wars or an Alpha has secretly been inserted into the gaggle of gals both male and female the chances the train will be fine are very low.

    With gammas and females it is really not hard to determine their most likely COAs if you know who writes their personal script or who they view as authority.

    So you gents you know the part where space battle was revolutionized by Purple Hair Admiral No Man Needed, there is where the plot becomes the theme.

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  5. Let me say this out loud, ’cause I wanna get it straight in my head. You’re saying that this hotel has no windows. This hotel requires you to check in for two days and then, unless your entire trip is precisely 2 days (and who does that, honestly?), you have to pack up all your shit and move you and your kids to a different hotel–not a different room, a completely different hotel. And you can’t leave except for one “port call” at Galaxy’s Egde, which sucks? I’m right about that, right? That’s correct? That’s your story?
    You know, someone cynical about pederasty being rampant at the D-company MIGHT…MIGHT wonder if this hotel was designed to fail from the get-go, and then 1 month after “temporarily” halting construction, they put in child-proof doorknobs on all the exits and…you know…off-the-books pizza party reservations start getting taken for elite members at this hotel with no windows. Which is on Disney property. That Orange and Osceola County PD never DARE dream of entering unless invited, cuz hey, who doesn’t want to work for Disney one day–they pay much better than OCPD. All this make Chief go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

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