Cataline Does NOT Recommend: Star Wars: The Last Jedi

This one sucked, don’t see it.

I could end my review there but I suppose you want a little bit more than that.

I intend to deliver many, many spoilers in this review because the producers of this heap of shit have gone to some lengths to destroy a favorite of my childhood.  I can’t believe I’m fucking saying this but, “George Lucas, all is forgiven!  Come back to us, I beg you!”

This was a cavalcade of boring, cliched awfulness in every way available to it.  I’m not saying that because I’m a contrarian Alt Right asshole.  I’m saying that because every word of that is true.

A couple of days ago a commenter Shitlord Numéro Uno said…

Wait, so you think the force awakens is a good movie? Holy dear God.

Compared to this, it absolutely is.  This is the first of the fully SJW Converged Star Wars movies.  Force Awakens just tried to score some Diversity Points here and there. But Last Jedi positively panders to the SJWs.  From the Body Positive Asian Chick.  The lectures on social inequality on Rich People Planet.  To Benicio del Toro’s monologue that was heavy on nihilist equivocation   This movie turned around, bent over for the SJWs and announced that Star Wars was open for business.  Upside this surrender to all things SJW, guaranteed that critics would prostitute themselves and give it positive reviews…  And they did but we’ll get to that at the end of this article.

The Last Jedi will make money but I would be shocked if it doesn’t kill the franchise in the end. The fanbois are over-committed to Star Wars and will try  to convince themselves that it doesn’t suck and will have to pretend that it was really important that Star Wars hands out boring ass lectures for the price of admission.  However, for the rest of us, the backlash over Last Jedi will make the one over Force Awakens look like a case of very mild buyer’s remorse.

The writing is incredibly weak.  The tone is inconsistent.  It’s boring as hell for the most part and all of the mysteries set up in the last movie got swept under the carpet.

Lets take a look at it, shall we?

It starts out with a the standard title crawl.  The First Order has taken over the Galaxy.  The RESISTANCE  (yes it was in all caps) is fighting a retreat action.  The Empire The First Order has tracked them down to their base and they are about to try and escape.

My reaction:  Holy shit! They really are going to make a beat for beat remake of Empire.  I can already picture it. 

They are about to freeze Po in carbonite. 

 Finn finally works up the courage to express his true feelings for Po and says, “I love you.

Po meets his gaze and yells, “WHAT?!?!”*

The first character we see is played by Carrie Fisher’s daughter who I recognize from American Horror Story.  I don’t remember her name and it doesn’t really matter as she is just a feminist Bridge Bunny in this one.  She reads computer screens a lot, looks concerned all the time and gets more screen time than an extra deserves, which is what she is.  But she at least sets the initial tone.

Which is shattered completely when Po confronts the First Order’s battlefleet in a single fighter and asks to speak to General Hux.  Hux gets on the horn with him and Po pretends he can’t hear him.  We are now in comedy mode.  Pick a tone and stick with it guys. Anyway, Po’s diversion is successful but then against orders, Po leads an attack that destroys a First Order Capital ship but loses quite a few rebel fighters and all of their bombers  in the process.  Given how tiny this rebellion apparently is, this probably is a net victory for the First Order.  He is demoted for this by Carrie Fisher.

So my favorite new character from the last movie, Po Dameron, was turned into a useless comedy-relief-asshole in this movie.  He does a little fighter stuff and then spends the rest of the movie getting in everyone’s face because he’s in the right.  Except that it turns out he isn’t. When Princess Leia is critically injured (more on that in a minute) the #RESISTANCE gets a Tumblrina bungee-boss admiral.  She acts like she doesn’t have a plan and won’t let Po try his so he steps into an apparent leadership vacuum and leads a mutiny that get quashed but no worries.  There was a plan after all.  Admiral Tublrina was keeping it all to herself for no apparent reason whatsoever.  But my point is this after the opening battle nothing Po did advanced the plot.  His story a lot of flash and thunder that signified nothing.  After the first five minutes, nothing Po did mattered but he was all over the rest of the film because fan-service.  You can afford to do something like this in a TV show because you need filler when you have that much time on your hands but a movie has to have a focused plot.  This was weak and amateurish.

Moving on.  Finn wakes up but frankly he may as well have stayed asleep.  His plot line does nothing to advance the story either.  The only thing he is there for, is to give the movie lots and lots of SJW diversity points. This is the very first Star Wars movie where the SJWs really got ahold of the microphone and Finn was their mouthpiece.  This was another failure of Rian Johnson.  Half of what the audience showed up for was the continuing bromantic adventures of  Finn and Po.  Instead they got Finn and the preachy fat chick.

Moving on. The #RESISTANCE fleet jumps to hyper-space.  But amazingly the First Order fleet manages to pursue them.  There must be some kind of tracking MacGuffin aboard, which they never bother to try and find.  Instead they come up with a cockamamie plan wherein Finn will fly to Rich People Planet with his new friend a diversity points friendly fat Asian chick. There they lecture the audience about space privilege and seek out a hacker who can bring down the tracking MacGuffin on the First Order’s flag ship long enough for the #RESISTANCE to escape.  This will come to absolutely nothing, as the hacker they hire sells them out at the last second.  No wait it does give Finn a chance to kill Captain Phasma when it’s time to escape.  Which he does.  And that is pretty much Chrome Brienne’s only appearance.  She crawled out of the garbage dumpster long enough to get killed. She really was the new Bobba Fett. Goodbye fan favorite!

This was the first Star Wars movie that was actually boring.   I’m serious, it was dull as ditch water for about three quarters of the movie.  When it wasn’t lecturing you on #privilege.  It was watching Rey stump around after Crabby Luke begging him to come back with her and possibly train her.  Although as far as I can tell Jedi training remains pretty damned brief.  In Empire Luke picked up just about everything he needed to know in a couple of days.  Rey is no different.  Luke gave her exactly Three Lessons. He numbered them and everything and that was all she needed to know before heading out to take on Lord Snoke.

There was a lot of questions about who is Lord Snoke?  Is he the Darth Plagerous that was referred to in Revenge of the Sith.  Is he the blind Jedi in Star Wars Rebels? (*that one was so out there I had to look it up*)  Is he Darth Bane (*who was in the now abandoned expanded universe canon so that seemed pretty damned unlikely*)?  The answer is.. Who the Fuck Knows?  Because Kylo Ren kills him and takes over.  We never found out who Lord Snoke was, where he came from or how he got so powerful. Rian Johnson apparently decided the less said, the better and so they said nothing.

Also, while we are on the subject of disappointments the only thing we find out about Rey’s parents is… that the writer couldn’t think of anything to do with this plot line either.  So her parents turned out to be, “just junkers who sold you for drinking money.”  So all of Rey’s mysterious talents?  Just chance.  Apparently the universe needed to balance out the power of Kylo Ren so they picked her at random.  Fucking lazy to be certain but it’s probably better than anything that was going to emerge from JJ Abrams Mystery Box. This one I am actually willing to let slide because if she wasn’t Luke’s daughter or sex changed clone of Darth Vader then she had to be a nobody.

Lets see what else can I ruin?

Oh yeah the ending.  Luke dies at the end.

Now  I will grant that there is some stuff that I might have missed here because this is the very first Star Wars movie I’ve ever walked out of.  But I do remember Luke dying.  But you shouldn’t worry about that because Luke Skywalker was not in this movie.  I mean there is a guy in this flick called Luke Skywalker and he’s played by Mark Hamill but he is not Luke Skywalker. All of Luke’s behavior and motivations were completely absent in this movie.   Johnson couldn’t have missed the character of Luke more if they tried… Which I think he did.  Luke Skywalker was a hero and SJWs hate heroes.  What made things really bad is that there was one scene where the old Luke was suddenly present.  It was when he was talking to R2 aboard the Falcon.  And then Real Luke is gone and replaced with Crabby Luke again.  This is the most ham handed butchering of a beloved character since Kirk fell off the ladder.

Oh, BTW Rey and Finn had another “friend hug” at the end as a sort of reunion thing.  Although now Finn has the Curvy and Proud Asian as a side piece so I don’t know what will happen there.

Was there anything at all I liked about it?

I will give a grudging nod to Rylo.  Rey and Kylo had telepathic connections at inexplicable intervals and talked to each other.  There was intimacy but no real indication of sexual love.  The problem there being the filmmaker wussed out on creating a genuine romance between the two of them.  Again a good little build up that led to absolutely nothing.

That is it for the good stuff.

Say what you will about the Force Awakens, it felt like a Star Wars movie.  Last Jedi does not.

So in a nutshell.  The rebels got pounded.  Finn didn’t confess his love to Po but got kissed by a fat chick. Snoke got killed without revealing his secret identity, Rylo had a failure to start.  SJW writers got to preach at the audience about privilege and stuff.  Benicio del Toro phoned in the weakest performance of his career as “the Hacker” and is clearly desperate to get back to the Marvelverse.  Luke died, then he didn’t, then he defiently did because he did that whole Jedi vanishing when you die thing. The rebels live to fight another day.  And I beat the crowd to the parking lot before the credits rolled.

Just so we are really clear here.  This movie sucked and it ain’t just Cataline say’in it.

Here’s the score card from Rotten Tomatoes.  Pay close mind to the difference between the reviewer’s and audience’s score.

UPDATE:  Audience score is now down to 56%.  Will the Last Jedi get below 50?

FINAL UPDATE: Yes it did.  RottenTomatoes stopped updating at an Audience Score  49%.

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