From CNET: “The galaxy was mourning, burying its dead, and Starfleet slunk from its duties,” Picard barks, a nod to the destruction of Romulus that sets off the chain of events from the J.J. Abrams-directed Star Trek film. He calls the Federation “downright criminal.”
“I was not prepared to stand by and be a spectator,” Picard said.
Only for you.
Only for you, my beloved readers was I willing to resubscribe to CBS All Access and then pull the plug again after only one episode because I sure as fuck am not paying for that stink hole of streaming.
The blitheringly incompetent Bad Robot productions is producing Picard, so it takes place in the Kelvin timeline, because everyone wanted more of that! Kurtzman is running it so you know it was born as a festering boil covered abomination. And he has admitted that Picard is NOT a canonical sequel to Star Trek: The Next Generation.
You heard that right. The much ballyhooed Picard is more J. J. Abrams fanfic!
And it’s been written by Avrika Goldman who wrote A Beautiful Mind (Wait! Stop! Don’t get your hopes up) as well as Batman and Robin, Batman Forever, plus the Lost in Space movie. When Goldman is only in it for a paycheck he is the living embodiment of phoning it in.
And phone it in he did!
Starting off a Star Trek series with a anti-Nationalist political rant was a bad enough start, but following that with an action scene let all of the Star Trek fans know upfront that this one is on the fast track to ST:D-ville.
Meet Dahj, a young woman in the 24th century who is the Special One…briefly. A black armored assassin team beams into her apartment and kills her boyfriend. They throw her to the ground, scanning her and yelling, “is she activated yet?” I sighed in boredom because I immediately knew she was going to activate. Which she does and the worst tactical team the 24th century has to offer is pixie-ninjaed to death,
Off to Picard, she goes because she has had dreams of him, despite never having met him. Picard has Romulan migrants working on his vineyard. Romulans are the new…uh…Muslims? I think? Anyway, it is supposed to provide Picard with virtue signaling points. The reason I think they are supposed to be Muslim immigrant stand-ins is that Dahj’s would-be terrorists were Romulans.
Starfleet didn’t want to let the Romulans to migrate into Federation Space after Romulus was destroyed. So Picard resigned in protest. The Globalist sentiment here is surprisingly stark. Sure they lost their home planet but the Romulans had an entire damn empire of their own. Why do they need to move into the Federation?
Anyway, Picard has been having dreams himself, about a CGI de-aged Data. Which compels him to go look in some storage facility for a portrait that Data had painted and sure enough this portrait from decades ago looks like Dahj.
Dahj, as it turns out, is Data’s not exactly daughter. She is a flesh and blood human but, (buckle up for this one boys), she has a positronic brain that was cloned from one positron of Data’s brain. If you need time to let the galloping stupidity of that one sink in I’ll give you a moment. I’ll still be here.
All better now? Good! Let’s go on.
Picard decides to help Dahj and she promptly gets killed by a Romulan assassin (sigh) who spits his acid blood on her. However, she has a twin sister somewhere and Picard sets off on a quest to find her. Just as I set off on a quest to find the unsubscribe button.
Now, I know what you are thinking, but Data already had a daughter. Lal? Right? Yeah, Lal and she lived and died all in one episode. You are correct but I am one hundred percent certain that neither Goldman or Kurtzman knew about Lal when they came up with this ingenious premise. Because neither of these guys are Star Trek fans. Or at least they are not superfans.
Superfans are not casual fans. They’ve spent hour after hour in their chosen universe and really fleshed it all out in their heads. Superfans want to live there. Give them a couple of hours in the universe as they have imagined it and they will turn out for you big time.
Doctor Who had superfans. But now there is an SJW tourist in charge and the superfans have fled in droves just like they did when Luke tossed his lightsaber over his shoulder and the Ghostbusters started making queef jokes.
Do not piss off your property’s superfans.
Believe me, I learned this the hard way. My first book was a zombie apocalypse story that “subverted expectations” of the ZA fanbase. They did not turn out for Dark Winter and the reviews from them were seething with hatred for me and that had nothing to do with the book’s politics. It was because I hadn’t followed the rules of the Zombieverse.
Honestly, not pissing off the superfans has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with common sense marketing.
Producers who are tourist-fans are only going to produce crap like this. They are bored with and disengaged by that universe, so they try to turn it into something that they can get into. If I was handed the keys to Harry Potter I guarantee that the Harry Potter superfans would hate everything I came up with.*
I think my biggest disappointmet was with Patrick Stewart. An actor in his position is the custodian of his character. When Mark Hamill signed the contract, he had no idea of the horrors that lay in store for Luke. He didn’t have anywhere near enough pull to save his character.
Sir Patrick Stewart, on the other hand, has the pull. He is a somebody. He has the power of, “no,” and he didn’t use it. He let Picard get dragged through the mud. He could have stopped it but the reason he didn’t was so Picard become his anti-Trump, anti-Brexit avatar. He has now wiped out thirty years of goodwill and destroyed his legacy.
Globalist Anti-Nationalism is the big social message with Picard.
“You chose Romulan lives over human lives,” a reporter interviewing Picard sneers at him.
In case any of you were wondering, yeah, it sucks.
* Since you are curious. Harry Potter becomes headmaster of Hogwarts after he is medicaled out of the Aurors because he was critically injured by a Grue. He has a limp now to prove it. Magic it turns out is based on a Mana system. The words of a spell don’t matter so long as the spell is clear in your head. Longbottom’s son keeps saying “expectorant patreon” and his patronis is invariably much more powerful than Harry’s. Wands don’t matter in the least as they are just a focal point. Harry proves that by using a twig after his own wand breaks. A scene follows where all the students of Hogwarts are seen throwing their wands into the fireplace.
Jenny Nicholson, if you are reading this, this is why we all hated the Last Jedi.